Things Will Never Be The Same
by Leafpuff
Summary: Love is just a numbers game, and you will never get over the one you loved. /Luckyshipping/alt universe- modern world


Blue wakes up at the whir of a ceiling fan. A gift that never stops givin_g._ Everyday the same old sight. _Kind of makes you wish it was over. _This slow, dreadful, pacing of day and night, a world that never really stops to listen even when you are at your loneliest.

Bleak winter sunlight reflects off of the trees outside. Blue pulls up the blinds, hands aching, and looks at her phone. A series of texts in blue boxes pop up on screen.

Red:

So I couldn't come today

Blue:

When do you ever?

...

I see how it is.

The first of several. Just reading those makes knots form in her chest, head all airy and light. _It's been years._

_By this point it's kind of stupid, don't you think? To be thinking about this?_

Her bedroom is in disarray. Clumps of wrinkled clothes scattered over the floors. Books. Tissue paper. Blue was never an organised person. Usually she needed help.

_Whatever._

Walking light on her heels, Blue heads over to the mirror propped haphazardly in the corner, and pulls up her hair in a bun. Her eyes are sunken from lack of sleep, deep hollows in her cheeks like the crevices between mountains and she clearly needs to be getting in a few hours in her schedule but- _now's not the time to rest._

So she picks up the pen and a piece of paper.

[L]

Gold nibbles on a pen with his teeth.

"A solid ten;" he says, "walked down the canteen and folks couldn't help but keep staring. Kind of Margot Robbie vibes-"

Their cubicle is small and cluttered. Busy as ever. Busybodies pick up phones and speak in half threatening whispers, colliding with each other in black and white suits- well ironed and posh.

Red just shrugs, knocking his arm against the glass window beside. "I'm dating someone. Tell her to hit up someone else."

Gold nearly spits up the pen. Scrambles to catch it from falling. Seats back on the plastic blue chair, half-eaten bento in front of him. "Thought you were broken up a few weeks ago-"

"Oh, yeah-" Red frowns, _huh, weird, _the letters just seem to be getting blurrier these days, _maybe his power's increased from all the half-time he spends on paperwork, _"-yeah I'm dating someone else now."

"Already? Who?"

_Five hours already to clock in tomorrow morning. _Red's not sure if he wants to go home, anyway. What with Kayla screaming at him. _Might as well stay a bit late._

"Dude are you even listening?"

Red looks up, _throat dry_, eyes swollen, "What?"

"Since when did you go about dating models and throwing them out like used tissue paper," Gold mutters, frowning a little, "I mean if I had your luck-"

"I _don't throw them out_," Red snaps, "it's just- it stops working."

"What the _fuck- _Red, the last two were _models-_"

"Well you'd be surprised by how they look like in bed." His hands start trembling from a lack of muscle coordination, so he picks the papers up where he started, "They kind of look- the same really." And the moment he says that Red kind of regrets it. _But it's true. Especially when the lights are off. _"Anyway," he says, at Gold's scoff and _well-regarded _raise of the eyebrow, "I'm happy." Kayla's always there for him, after all, unlike everybody. "I'm happy right now in my relationship with Kayla."

[O]

"That's a lot of words you're using for saying something so simple."

A shadow comes across Blue's desk.

"What?" Blue pushes a strand of hair behind her ear, as the dark-skinned man eyes her with crescent eyes and a charming half-smile, "Oh you mean-" She closes off the presentation in her laptop.

"Strange," he says, fully smiling as he sits down, "didn't expect you back so soon."

Blue has to physically strain her teeth to smile- _good, now talk like a normal person_\- "It was just a small fever."

"I was hoping it would be," he says, and seriously, _not again, _"-you up for some coffee though? You look a bit dehydrated-"

"Well not really-"

"There's a Starbucks down the street," he says, "and _besides, _I want to."

[T]

The day ends with Red looking at his phone as he walks down the middle of a quiet street at midnight, beacons of light from road lamps do a semi-okay job of lighting up the navy skies above.

The texts read:

Blue:

So I see you didn't have time for me.

The next one had appeared a few weeks after, and Red has to scroll through a long line of other blue boxes to find it:

Blue:

A very belated happy new year, anyway

And a smiley face. The shape draws him in like a hook. The days when Blue just started having a burlesque brown man accompanying her in every profile picture, visiting ice cream salons and taking road trips.

**Red misses those days. Even though they hurt him.**

[T]

The day ends with Blue slipping up against a wall with the man from before, rough kisses and gentle hands- and her climbing up on top of the bed, flowing hair and all, rocking back and forth in delightful spasms.

But it also ends with her being _exhausted, _tired of the bed frame shaking so much as she gathers herself up and barely manages to clean herself. Caleb puts his arms around her waist and-

_No._

_She doesn't like it anymore._

_What the fuck. _Tears and tears. The guy lets escape a small sigh, eyes as large as saucers.

"Is there something wrong?" He says. He touches her gently. "Blue?"

There isn't anything wrong. But that's the thing, isn't it? Love. Makes you feel like _shit. _Absolute dumpster shit. For no reason. Blue wants to call him up and say, _hey, you won, because you've made me hate myself so much I don't even care any more if someone else wants me. Or if they are caring, kind, and sweet, because I don't think I deserve better._

But how long has it been? Since that new year message? Red never replied. And that was five years.

_Five years of feeling like she wasn't enough._

_Five years of not talking._

[E]

"Are you sure?" Red asks, "That she doesn't live here anymore?"

The security guard, a healthy woman of fifty up, eyes him with the keen distaste as one get from looking like a suspicious stalker- "Packed her bags and left," she mutters, "five days ago."

"But she said it was this address-"

"Are you sure she said it?" The woman mutters, puffing up her chest as she takes the slip, "it's a few blocks from down there." She says, pointing to a narrow path that verges into small grey apartments and a large fenced up park. "There you go."

"_Thank you._" Red says. He means it. Just thinking about it- mustering up the courage. It's been years. Just one look- and then he's going to leave.

_Hey I know it's been a few years since we talked, _he'd say, _but I wanted you to know that I loved you. And that I'm sorry it was over. But someday we'll meet again._

Someday I will be able to love you.

[R]

"See you sometime soon," Caleb says. He wears the white shirt he'd appeared in that morning, light against his skin. His eyes are heavy, "I had a lot of fun."

Blue nods, wordlessly. Tells herself she's not in the mood because she's tired. That it's all gonna get better tomorrow. "See you soon too."

Then she sits in the apartment stairs. Stairs which spiral downward in loops of grey cement. Very fun. _She can barely stand straight. There's a tingling in her brain. _A feeling that she can't quite escape from.

She pulls up her phone.

Hey|

She writes on the chat box.

How are you? Pretty good I hope|

She deletes the message. There's no point. No one's reading them. Because if he did she would know.

[Y]

It's been a while|

Red deletes those words. _Stupid. _That's what he likes to tell himself. Years of playing around with women and this is where he ends up. How is he such an idiot?

And why do poets make people believe in love? Love is so hurtful. How could anyone take that shit. Stay away from that shit, but also, don't-

Because nothing else will make you feel this way.

The metal doorknob glints ominously at him. He could knock, though. Ask if someone lives around here.

Blue decides that she's going to leave her apartment.

It's an impulse decision. Last night she'd dreamt that she was talking to him in a coffee shop. She couldn't remember his face. And that scares her. Not being able to remember him, for what he was to her.

The coffee shop used to be called 'Barista'- pretty tacky, but they always loved it there. After they broke up the name had changed.

Blue walks out of the community block and strolls a little beside the bus stand. The bus is coming anytime soon.

_Glinting in the sunlight, the coffee shop from before, filled with laughter, glass walls and glass tables on beds of woodwork._

_The shiny green lettering above reads-_

Hope.

Blue looks up.

There's no one in the apartment. She didn't live here after all.

_Blue starts taking quick steps. _Finally! She was growing tired of waiting.

_Always waiting. Him. Always tired._

Red turns back from the apartment.

Blue starts to climb up the automated iron bus stairs.

"Hey-"

"Do I know you? From somewhere?"

Blue doesn't say anything. _Just smiles. _

Fin~

* * *

I stayed up till late for this. Gonna win the noble prize at any point now.


End file.
